Fluently Bitchless

By: Wee King

Before you read, I want you to know that the term bitchless is completely gender-neutral, it just shows how severely lonely I am…

So this is how desperate I am, huh? Asking a bunch of internet strangers for some love advice… is completely fine, right? Here, I’ll give you a quick (not so quick) rundown of my situation so bear with me. I’ve liked this one girl for a while now. Maybe a year or two. Or three. Yeah, you can already tell this is shit going to be painful. Let’s call her Astrid. She’s smart, funny, super mature, and has the determination to accomplish anything. Her presence is almost impossible not to notice. Like that one story with the bears getting robbed by that little homeless girl, she’s just right.

“Wow, this is so completely fucking cringe,” you’re probably thinking while shivering from second-hand embarrassment. Yes, yes I’m pretty crazy for this girl, and I can probably go on forever but that’s lame so we are moving on.

I’ve been trying to make moves on her, doing a little bit of talking here, doing a bit of talking there, but nothing seems to really last. There was this one period of time where I was just on an absolute roll. I must have been at my peak with all of that smooth talk, it was absolutely amazing. We talked more in-depth, and greatly surpassed the small talk and simple greetings that we used to have. I was laughing, she was laughing, and I was genuinely having a good time. She even GAVE ME HER NUMBER. Yes, that’s right she GAVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER. While I don’t think it was in a romantic way, I was still so fucking happy, and I immediately went to my friends and we screamed and yelled like a bunch of little kids because we all thought it was the start of a dream that was about to come true. I was the happiest person in the world, and I really did think it was the beginning of something special, but just a couple of days later, everything went back to normal. Just as I thought I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be a construction guy with his Home Depot buckets and sketchy ass beard and bright ass tactical flashlight telling me to go the other fucking way. Listen, it was a bad analogy, but I pretty much felt like I got misled, and I was really, really sad. I thought maybe it was time to give up my hopes and dreams (lmao that sounds so depressing), but when I finally began to get over her, it was like I was drawn back in again, never able to escape the powerful grasp of my feelings for her.

Okay, okay, I know what you are thinking now, you have to be thinking this. “Yo, why don’t you just tell her that you like her? It’s probably doing you more harm staying bottled up like this than just telling her that you like her!” I absolutely agree with this, it is excruciatingly painful trying to get over her, knowing I never will. But I’ve made up my mind. I want to tell her how I feel and ask her out. I feel like I need to get to the point in time where if I ask her out, there’s no way she rejects me, or as close to this position as possible. Why, you may ask? BECAUSE I NEED HER DUDE I AM DOWN FATALLY FUCKING BAD. I’M SO DAMN THIRSTY THAT I EASILY RIVAL SPONGEBOB OUT OF WATER.

Damn, he looks extra crusty in that one.

*Ahem,* I mean, I really want her to love me the way I love her. So this is where you guys come in, hooray. I’ve already asked some of my friends for advice, including some board members, but it goes to complete shit after a couple of seconds. They always make fun of me for thinking Gojo and Killua are hot… Please give me a break, they are some fine ass men.

Lawd have mercy I would definitely let them kick me in the balls and thank them for my new birth control, no questions asked. Shit, I’m getting sidetracked. Yeah, if you guys wanna give me advice or ask me questions that would be great! Just click this link: Advice Form

Okay see ya, I enjoyed writing to you guys… lmao no I didn’t this is really embarrassing.

From your anonymous writer,

Wee King (yes, there’s meaning behind the name)