The Crippling Disappointment of Sixteen
Eleanor O’Toole (she/her)
My entire life, I have had a romantic idea of being a teenager. When I was a little kid I would watch passing groups of older girls, longing to be among them. I had a specific picture of what sixteen would look like. I would be tall and beautiful, strong and smart. I kept this picture with me for years. I clung to it. Sixteen would be amazing. It would be freedom and joy.
Once I turned thirteen, I realized that the teenage experience I had longed for doesn't really exist, but I still kept this ideal with me. In three years things would be perfect. I would be older and glamorous. But the years passed by and this shiny image of an age where things would magically be okay grew darker.
When I turned sixteen I was angry. I have the distinct memory of crying on my birthday because I knew that my childish hopes would never be my reality, that the world doesn't fit into the box that a five-year-old girl put it in, and that I needed to let it go. I felt cheated, my entire life I had seen the girls in the movies that got happy endings and perfect friendships. It made me resent my life because I had to learn on my own that the world is a much darker place than I had been led to believe. That the movies didn't account for the fact that happily ever after at the age of sixteen doesn't exist, because for most of us sixteen isn't the end.
What no one tells you is that being a teenager, to put it simply, kind of sucks. The high school parties are much duller in reality, the freedom comes at a price, and despite what I expected, most people don't meet the love of their life at sixteen years old. Maybe it's just me that romanticizes everything too much and feels a crushing disappointment when it doesn't meet my impossible expectations. Maybe I have watched too many movies, read too many romance novels, but accepting reality over my own personal fantasy was tough. It felt like an influential part of growing up, realizing that things aren't usually what you expect them to be.
That's not to say that being young can’t be fun. I'm just beginning to understand that I can have a good teenage experience without it being the one I saw in movies my entire life. I have spent many of my teenage years being angry that it's not perfect as I had dreamed, that I feel like they've passed me by. I have wasted so much time being disappointed and depressed. By separating myself from the image of what I think my life should look like, I’ve been able to see the good things right in front of me, though I fear I've learned this late.
So maybe I didn't get my quintessential high school experience. Maybe it doesn't exist, and maybe that's okay.
